the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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