Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
