Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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