ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
