I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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