you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This house was built for laser tag.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
