He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's blow job season.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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