Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
