I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
