Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
