I'm going to jail i love you
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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