I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
