Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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