i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
