we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
