Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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