He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
