The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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