win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We need to get me chipped asap
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
