What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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