Just fell off a train. Bad.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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