I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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