How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
