Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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