woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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