I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
