apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
