Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
