i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
