you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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