I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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