If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
