I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
