am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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