i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
