I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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