On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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