Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
