I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
