I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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