Sponge bath it is.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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