I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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