y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
