it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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