I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
