i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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