you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
