I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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