She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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