First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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