He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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