dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
