I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
